I think my subconscious hates me...

...and it probably hates you too.
What is it about dreams that cause them to fuck with us so much? Now if you are one of the lucky few to not remember your dreams, count your blessings. It really only means that you've never been chased through a bowling alley by the severed head of Truman Capote while he screams a recipe for upside down cake at you. That's something you remember forever.

Now when I dream, I find they are broken up into two distinct categories; the "This shit be freaky" section and the "This will piss me off when I wake up" section.

As for the former, they are mainly comprised of what could be affectionately described as "Stephen King's vacation photos." I'm talking bloodsucking aliens and fast zombies. I really hope the myth about dying in your sleep - die in real life never comes true, because I would be fucked. For every one dream where I can fly, you can bet there are going to be at least thirty of these. I guess I could call these nightmares, but they are enjoyable in an exhilarating way, like riding a roller coaster or driving on a southern california freeway in the rain, you can assume you'll be okay, but there is still that chance of something horrible happening. Some people think the dream where you're in front of a class in only your underwear is a nightmare... I call that "Tuesday."

Now the second category of dreams are the ones that really piss me off. These are the dreams where you can fly, enjoy romantic moments with the love of your life, and act like a dick with no consequence. As for that last one, you can get away with it in real life as well, talk about "living the dream." These make me mad because of how great they tend to be, and right when you get to the best part: BEEPBEEPBEEPTIMETOWAKEUPSHITHEADBEEPBEEPBEEP. You can't tell me that hasn't happened to you before, that would make you a liar.

I've recently heard about people trying to induce "lucid dreaming" by mixing up some voodoo shit and huffing it, or focusing on one thing before you fall asleep. That's asshole talk. Who would ever want to deprive themselves of the entertainment that can only be provided by their deranged subconscious? I guarantee it can come up with better stuff than you can.

Regardless of how terrible dreaming can be, sleep is still incredible. I will never talk down the amazingness of sleep or try to convince anyone to avoid it. Besides, if you don't sleep, how will you ever get to experience a fight with George Washington on top of Mt. Everest with your friends and family cheering you on from a floating island? And oh yeah, you're in your underwear.

Stay Classy.

On: Writing

So here it is, my first foray into the written world. The brash lunge into foreign and frightening waters. It is often said that the greatest journeys all began with a single step and I feel that mine should be no different. I only hope that this first step, this first word, is rife with deep, touching significance and will be something to mark a legacy of profound musings. Here we go;

Dicks.

Well God DAMN it.

So now that I have ruined any presumption of tact, taste, or quality I suppose I should be able to express freely, what a relief. First off, I suppose you would like to know what the HELL I am doing? It is no surprise to some (and probably quite a shock to others) that I have an interest in becoming something of a humorist. Now, for those of you who have enjoyed my company in real life, this blog will probably be more of the same, only instead of my nasal screeching you will be hearing only the soft soothing sounds of your own inner monologue. Or perhaps the inner monologue of award winning African American actor, Morrigan Freeman, the choice is yours.

Now, I know I am no Hemingway, hell I'm not even an R.L. Stine! I can appreciate this, so I would ask that you bear with me. It is just as much a learning experience for myself as it is ocular poison for you. I plan on coming back and editing posts from time to time as deemed appropriate, and will mark changed entries as such.

"But Zack, what makes you think you are funny or talented enough to make a blog on the INTERNET?"
-Good question. I have always enjoyed humor through the medium of books. If any form of simple text can garner a laugh from me, it is impressive. As I'm sure many of you are aware, there are certain crucial elements of comedy that simply do not translate well through text, most importantly elements of tone. It's hard to tell if someone is being sarcastic, angry, pompous, jocular and the like simply by reading their words. Thankfully writers have bolds, italics, and CAPITALIZATION to help nudge the reader along, but ultimately it is reader themselves who can truely blossom the seed of humor. And so I plan on playing gardener to you all and I hope that at least a modicum of enjoyment can be harvested from this ridiculous fruit.

I feel it's important to mention that although I tried to handle this first post with a grain of tact, this will not be the case for subsequent posts. I feel no need to hide the fact that my jokes can be crude, rude, tasteless, inappropriate and will probably bar me from ever running for political office. If this bothers you, I will respect your disposition in real life. But I sure as hell won't do it here, so you can get. the fuck. out.

Every post will be ended the same way, with the deeply ironic line...
Stay Classy.