I think my subconscious hates me...

...and it probably hates you too.
What is it about dreams that cause them to fuck with us so much? Now if you are one of the lucky few to not remember your dreams, count your blessings. It really only means that you've never been chased through a bowling alley by the severed head of Truman Capote while he screams a recipe for upside down cake at you. That's something you remember forever.

Now when I dream, I find they are broken up into two distinct categories; the "This shit be freaky" section and the "This will piss me off when I wake up" section.

As for the former, they are mainly comprised of what could be affectionately described as "Stephen King's vacation photos." I'm talking bloodsucking aliens and fast zombies. I really hope the myth about dying in your sleep - die in real life never comes true, because I would be fucked. For every one dream where I can fly, you can bet there are going to be at least thirty of these. I guess I could call these nightmares, but they are enjoyable in an exhilarating way, like riding a roller coaster or driving on a southern california freeway in the rain, you can assume you'll be okay, but there is still that chance of something horrible happening. Some people think the dream where you're in front of a class in only your underwear is a nightmare... I call that "Tuesday."

Now the second category of dreams are the ones that really piss me off. These are the dreams where you can fly, enjoy romantic moments with the love of your life, and act like a dick with no consequence. As for that last one, you can get away with it in real life as well, talk about "living the dream." These make me mad because of how great they tend to be, and right when you get to the best part: BEEPBEEPBEEPTIMETOWAKEUPSHITHEADBEEPBEEPBEEP. You can't tell me that hasn't happened to you before, that would make you a liar.

I've recently heard about people trying to induce "lucid dreaming" by mixing up some voodoo shit and huffing it, or focusing on one thing before you fall asleep. That's asshole talk. Who would ever want to deprive themselves of the entertainment that can only be provided by their deranged subconscious? I guarantee it can come up with better stuff than you can.

Regardless of how terrible dreaming can be, sleep is still incredible. I will never talk down the amazingness of sleep or try to convince anyone to avoid it. Besides, if you don't sleep, how will you ever get to experience a fight with George Washington on top of Mt. Everest with your friends and family cheering you on from a floating island? And oh yeah, you're in your underwear.

Stay Classy.